Pity Party Table for one

I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm losing hope.

In other words, I'm emotional today. I should be 8 months along, preparing for the arrival of our little one. I should be ready to pop, talking excitedly about our little girl or our little boy on the way.

But I'm not. I'm sitting here in tears, because it's another reminder that for some reason, it's not meant to be. And I don't have anyone here to talk to, or to hug me. Now before you sit here and judge, this is MY blog, MY thoughts, MY emotions. If you can't deal, don't read. I can write whatever I feel, and today this is what I feel.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a part of a wonderful support group, and I love the ladies in there so much. They have been there. Are there. They understand.

I am feeling so many emotions today. And I know why. It's mid July, and July and August are the worst months. July is a certain persons birthday, and August is the month my dad died, and his birthday, and my birthday.

I hate being so emotional, and vulnerable. I HATE IT. I HATE that I cry so easily, that I can't seem to be happy with what I have, I have to have more. I hate that I can't work in the nursery at my church, because it takes everything in me not to burst into tears when I hold a baby in my arms... I hate that right now my parenthood depends on some frigging classes and someone coming in my home to see if I'm "fit to parent" ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME??? Do you NOT see my heart? Do you not know that I frequently cry myself to sleep because of that ache, that longing that deep desire?

I try so hard to remain positive, to be strong, because I know that's who people say I am. Well I'm not. I'm not positive, I'm not strong. I am so weak, and so lost. I have little hope, little faith. I just don't know how to keep going.


**side note....I'm not suicidal. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the hope of parenthood, and adopting/conceiving***