Hard to Let Go

I find that sometimes in life, we are told to let go. Trust. Take that leap of faith. I remember being a kid, and I was in swimming lessons. I was absolutely terrified of the water, and hated getting my face wet. (can you say diva??) I remember in order to pass the yellow class, we had to jump in the deep end and let our swimming instructor catch us. Uh hello? You mean I have to get my face wet? What if she doesn't catch me? Needless to say, I failed the yellow class. I was very upset. But determined. That summer, my dad took me swimming. Again, he was in the deep end, and he told me to jump, trust him, he'll catch me. I jumped and he caught me! That following year, I passed the yellow class with flying colours.

Why that illustration? Because I think in life we are told to let go, and take that leap. Let go of something we so desperately want to cling on to, that plan we have for our lives, when all God wants to do is take control. I look back on my life, and see how so many times God was whispering "Let go. Trust me. Take that leap." And how so many times, like the child on the edge of the deep end, chose not to jump. How much I missed out on, because I didn't trust. But. I also reflect on the times I DID jump, and trust God, and how it worked in my life. Marrying Jonathan, moving up north, and now adopting.

I have to say, this decision to adopt is a very hard one. It means no longer trying to conceive, no longer anticipating that dreaded two week wait from ovulating to possible pregnancy. Not being able to go to ultrasounds, or feeling kicks. Not carrying a child and having people ask "When are you due?" I'll be honest. I don't want to let go. I don't want to take this leap of faith, but I know I have to. I know this is the journey that God has laid out for my life, and out there somewhere is a little boy or girl just waiting to be loved.

People say that it takes a huge heart to want to adopt. They're right. But it takes an even bigger FAITH to trust that God's plans are the best plans. In a society where we want to take control, it's so hard to give that up and say "Here Lord, take my life, take control" Part of us wants to add "but let me do it my way, and if that doesn't work, then you can take control" I sit here today broken hearted, yet hopeful. I'm broken hearted because I know that it's not in God's plans to conceive...YET. I know it's in his will to adopt our first child. As broken hearted as I am, I am so blessed and honoured that I am chosen to be an adoptive mother. I am so blessed to be married to someone who was adopted and understands what our child will be going through, and relate. It's something that is very humbling, yet heartbreaking. I know for now, I have to let go of the desire to be pregnant, and turn that desire to do what God wants for my life.

Like the scripture says "Delight yourself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

I think I'm ready to jump.